Why Me? (Why Not Me?)

In 2019, I began having difficulties with my vision. I went to my regular ophthalmologist with my concerns. Fast forward to 2022, and my eyes are still not doing well. I asked if it were possible to have Callahan Eye Clinic look at the gel in my eyes and clean it up because it looked like a dirty window from my point of view. I was told I didn't want to do that. My vision was fine for my age (54).

I disagreed and went for a second opinion to Callahan's in December 2022. Between December and February, I now have 3 different eye doctors: ophthalmologist, retina specialist, neuro-ophthalmologist. I have been diagnosed with macular degeneration, visual static, and photophobia, along with ocular migraines. Only 1 of the 4 can be controlled...limit caffeine to control the migraines, so I did. I sure do miss Mtn Dew Zero.

Most people have heard of macular degeneration and understand that eventually blindness will happen. That's usually many years in the future; you think.  Unfortunately, between December and July, my vision has worsened quicker than they had thought. I'm now undergoing a genetic study to determine what kind of degeneration I have, or is there some other disease causing the rapid change to my vision? Now...the waiting begins. Now...the prayers have increased. Now...the tears happen when I learn one more thing I can't see.

In December, when I received the news, I told God to do His will. That's an easy phrase to say when we are praying for other people. "God, Thy will be done." When I thought blindness was many years off, and I knew I would probably be fully retired, not a problem. In February, as I went through another round of tests and failed them all, I was sitting in the waiting room, trying not to cry, and thinking I don't want His Will. What was I thinking in praying that?

In July, I went for a surgical consult in hopes that the doctor could clean the gel and the hundreds of floaters and strands in my eyes. I thought my vision had gotten cloudy because of the visual static and floaters/strands, but that wasn't the case. The degeneration had ramped up. I'm sitting in the room with my husband and doctor. I'm crying and trying to explain that reading is a requirement for my career. Everything I do requires my vision: translating for a school system, teaching graduate school, reading music as the worship leader.  

So, what now???? That phrase came to my mind and has stayed there. When God wants our attention, He does many things to wake us up. There have been so many Facebook posts and videos about relying on God in times of trouble, even the speaker at a women's night out worship service last night talked about the "Why Me/Why Not Me" question. The most recent video was an excerpt by Nick Vujicic. If you've never heard of him, Google him. You'll be inspired. He was talking about miracles and how God may not perform miracles to our physical ailments, but we may become the miracle instead.  

Thank you, Father, for sending me daily reminders of your love. For letting me feel your presence when I break down because I'm tired of the fog. For putting Christian writers in my path to learn how to listen to your voice better.

Thank you, Father, for giving me friends and family as a support system. 

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV): "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

James 1:2-3 (NIV): "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

So. what now? Now, I wait on God's plan. I may not know what it is and what I will endure in the future. But....I do know He is with me every step of the way, and He has given me people to go the distance with me. Does my faith mean I won't cry. no, that I won't get frustrated and angry, no. My faith means even in the down times I have a heavenly Father who understands and lifts me up. My faith is in the Father who knows best.

PB

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