Sleepless Nights, Avoiding God's Plan, & Lessons in the Dark

 I love reading books, all types. When reading the hand-held type became too difficult, I put books on my Kindle and kept on reading. Unfortunately, I was using reading my murder mysteries as a means to avoid what God had been wanting me to do: write my story.

I had starting composing the book by taking what I had written in this blog. I started the project at the beginning of the year and continued during the summer. However, I got sidetracked and didn't complete the project after I returned from Peru's mission trip. I got 'busy' with other things.

School was starting back. I was teaching 3 college courses, so I just didn't have time. (or did I?) If I wasn't translating for the schools or grading students' work, I was reading my mysteries. As soon as I finished one book, I would start the next. This is a series of books by the same author (63 books in total). I had already read all of them but was enjoying reading them again. I was up to book 16 when I went and stayed with my daughter for a week.

Because I am limited in my driving, I had nowhere to go while with her, so I kept reading, and reading, and reading. Until one night. 

I hadn't been sleeping well for several weeks. Tossing and turning, and turning and tossing, like a rotisserie chicken. The same was happening at her house. I blamed it on arthritic hips and not being in my own bed, but I knew better. God gave me a gentle reminder that I was avoiding finishing His project.

In the spring this year, I had asked God's advice and waited on the response. I wanted a nudge or a bright, blinking arrow in what direction I needed to go and decisions to make. I said I would trust Him. However, when it came time to turn down teaching additional college classes, I balked. It is good money. Fast forward to October, my scheduler had not sent me any new classes to teach, and my classes were phasing out in a week. I was like, "OK, God, I understand. You will provide." I felt like He was showing me that now is the time to finish the story.

The very next day, I received a message about teaching a class, and I said yes because the class was starting in 5 days. I immediately felt regret but wasn't sure if I should take back my yes. Was this God's test, and I failed it!? I said I would rely on God, but I couldn't chance it. 

I started texting my BC (biblical community) sister for advice. Too much info for a text message, so I called. She assured me that God was not going to flunk me if this was a test. He is full of grace. She also told me that maybe God was telling me to stop doing so many classes at one time. Stop trying to fill up every moment of the day, every day of the week. When another message came through about another class starting in a week, I turned it down and the one after that as well.

Have you ever done that: tried to fill up every moment of every day to keep busy, to keep from thinking too much, to stop feeling lonely and depressed, to avoid God's plan? I stopped reading the murder mysteries, but I hadn't started God's project again. I avoided my tablet like the plague. 

Before my trip to my daughter's, I had started reading a new book by Jen Matthews, Every Yes: How Radical Obedience Unlocks Your Purpose (get it on Amazon). I had read the intro, part of Chapter 1, and stopped because I wanted to get the journal that went with the book, and it would be delivered up there. What I had read so far touched my heart and hit me up the side of my head. 

When I started reading the book again, I learned about what was keeping me from starting and finishing my book (fear). Fear of rejection. Fear of not being enough. Fear of others doing a better job (insert your fear here).

Fear can keep us from experiencing great things and God's blessings.

2 Timothy 1:7 "...for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

When I was first diagnosed with my vision loss, I told God, "Thy will be done." I remember saying it in December of 2022 and taking it back in February of 2023, when it became too real that I would be losing most if not all of my vision. That is an intense type of fear. Yet, God showed my His ongoing presence, His support, His grace, His love, His believers (my supporters).

God needed to remind me of His control, and He did so by using many sleepless nights until I was absolutely, positively exhausted. Ready to listen and feel.

I've always believed that sleepless nights mean God wants a conversation, and I need to be quiet and listen. I had asked Him to show me the way to go, but I hadn't been faithful in following the plan or for giving Him my worries and anxieties. When we give it all to God, we can't hold back some to micromanage. God doesn't want a small portion of our lives and our worries. He wants it ALL. All our plans. All our worries. All our praises. All our tears. No half-measures. Give It All.

God gave us His all when He sent His Son, Jesus.

Romans 5:8 "...but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 8:32 "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"

What's holding you back from God's purpose and plan? From receiving God's ALL? Always remember the old adage, "God does not call the equipped. He equips the called." You have to be willing to give yourself, no holding back. When you FINALLY stop fighting God, you will be on the path of changing your life forever, for the better... 

This does not mean everything is hot coffee, chocolate, and cute puppies all the time. There will be struggles. There will be tears. There will be heartaches. BUT...there will also be joy. There will be peace. There will be God cradling us in His arms, like we do our small children and grandchildren.

John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

It's up to you now. Your plan or His?